Bex and The Stars

Astrology and I are not BFF but, on a whim, I checked my daily reading today. Looks like Yahoo Horoscopes is encouraging The Billy Crystal Project:

You generally think of romantic matters in black and white; love or hate, on or off, etc. Cultivate an awareness of the shades of gray now -- there's something (or someone) you're overlooking.

Wait, am I going crazy?

Bex and Billy Crystal

If you are a girl and you haven't seen When Harry Met Sally, you have got some serious estrogen missing. Aside from Meg Ryan being incredibly adorable and Billy Crystal being ridiculous, it investigates the super played-out question: Can women and men really manage functional friendships without sex getting in the way? I know, I know... "Ugh, I am so bored," you are saying, "Hasn't every chick magazine covered this topic 124389 times?"

Yes, and too bad.

I am starting The Billy Crystal Project (BCP).

You've heard about Guitar. He's obviously not boyfriend material, a fact that was further illustrated at the end of last week when he told me that "relationships and marriage are overrated." The problem is I actually enjoy talking to him. We have a lot in common when we're not discussing his view on relationships as the downfall of society. He's funny and he has a brain. Am I supposed to barricade our friendship just because we happened to make out after about sixteen glasses of wine?

The old, pre-BCP me would have said yes. Cut him out. If he doesn't want to be with me romantically, he's worthless. But the thing is, I really think friendships with men who get you (for lack of a better phrase) can make your life better. And it can help you better understand other men, ones that have potential for a more serious relationship.

I'm a teensy bit worried for myself because, once I acknowledge an attraction for someone, I have a hard time disengaging from any romantic notions previously knocking around in my hyper-analytical brain. But in this case, I am going to say "F you, Billy Crystal." I think girls and guys can be friends. I think they can be great friends, even. I think Guitar and I can be friends. 1, 2, 3, here it goes...

Bex MJ-Style

Foxy Fridays
Calling out men that are dreamy and/or steamy, fashion that allows us girls to strut our stuff, delicious snacks or cocktails that are healthy and tasty.... If it makes me feel foxy, I'm passing along the love.

And whose music makes you feel foxier than the late, great MJ? Seriously, I have been waiting for some dude to break out into dance and serenade me with The Way You Make Me Feel since freaking 1987. Oh Michael, you were troubled, but you provided the MTV generation with so many classic hits. I don't know about you, but tonight I'm breaking out a white glove, some pelvic thrusts, and a red pleather jacket and having a dance party to this:




RIP MJ, your music is foxiness at its best.

Bex and Tucker Max: I Hope They Serve Beer in Heaven

I am puzzled. More confused than the time that tabloids reported that Britney was taking K-Fed on tour with her, Sean Preston, and Jayden James. (Why, Brit, why???) More perplexed, even, than when Pantene announced they were adding special minerals into my favorite brand of shampoo and these unwelcome additives made my hair feel like straw.

Why is it so hard to figure out what men want? I'm not talking about blonde vs. brunette, short vs. tall, Angelina vs. Jen. Let's face it, most men are on the prowl for a hook-up. And I have no (big) problem with that. But said men should take a page from the Tucker Max game plan and be honest about it. Tucker Max is an asshole, but as I read his book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell for my co-ed book group, I found myself admiring him for acknowledging that he's a douche. He wants ass and he's upfront about it. Girls know what they're getting into.

What I cannot stand are dudes that play the Bambi innocent card by trying to get in your pants by making a mental connection. We've already discussed Guitar. Thank Zeus, I have connections that inform me he is interested only in ass, because last night, I was handed this line:

Guitar: I know I sometimes come across as a goofus, but I can deliberate intellectually with the best of them. I just wanted you to know that. [Emphasis on "you."]
Me (internally): What the fuck? Does this kid honestly think I am going to fall for this line? Why am I falling for this line? I hate Bud Light Lime for making me even remotely mushy over this line. Kill me.
Me (out loud): Did you just use the word goofus?

If you want to sleep with me, I really don't want you telling me that you are interested in the classics and that your favorite book is For Whom the Bell Tolls. Nuggets of information like these make me envision how smart our future children will be and reading together in bed on a Sunday morning -- not, I repeat not, make me think that you only take interest in what is below my belt.

To this end, I'm going fishing for the best way to smell out these offenders. How can you tell when a guy is bullshitting you? Why can't they be more straightforward? Are they really proud after they've slept with a girl who really thinks they are into them, only to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night leaving only chick flicks and Ben & Jerry's as consolation?

Shit, for not understanding their motives, am I this girl?

Bex and Balls: Relationship No-Go's

As a marketing professional, I dedicate most of my 8 to 5 life to making decisions. The first stop for many of our projects is the "Go/No-Go Decision." I can't help but think that most women would benefit immensely from applying this method to dating. Let's face it: it's a jungle out there. Trying to find a normal guy worthy of valuable face time is as easy as Jordin Sparks or the Jonas Brothers. [Read: it's not.]

Just because a guy is funny, smart, dreamy or wealthy does not necessarily mean he is the right dude for you. I mean, I like hysterically funny guys but I'm not about to jump the next comedian I meet (hopefully) just because he tells jokes for a living. Here are some steps to applying a "Go/No-Go Decision" to your love life:

1. What are the benefits of dating [Dude]? Just as an architecture firm focused on healthcare probably wouldn't pursue a project at a major university, you should only be seriously interested in guys that complement you and your strengths. I learned this with a recent ex. He was so obsessed with jump-starting his career and making bank that our time was more about discussing his hours and bonus pay then doing anything fun. So not what I needed. As someone that is a bit more established in my career, our values were different. He told me I didn't understand his job, and he was probably right. I didn't understand why it was so important to him. Breakup followed.

   
   

2. How much time & energy are you willing to fork over to win [Dude]? Seriously, ladies, do your homework. Ask acquaintances -- is this guy a player? Did he just get out of a multi-year relationship and does he now want to spend the next year screwing everything with a vag? Better to find out now before you start wasting your cute new summer dresses and double length mascara on him. Do you know what happens to firms that don't do research like this on potential projects? They waste their money and resources and go bankrupt. And one word that I don't want used as a descriptor for my love life is bankrupt.
   
   
3. Who is your competition and do you have (or want) a fair shot against them? I inserted the word "want" here because sometimes it's just not worth it to go head to head with a crazy bitch who would strip herself of all dignity just to get in some dude's pants. I recently made out with a cute guy who seemed nice and played the guitar (this is very important -- guitar players are like crack cocaine to me). Shortly after, a mutual acquaintance started emailing, chatting, basically going semi-Glen Close in Fatal Attraction on him. Seriously? Fail. Not only do I pity this poor clueless girl, I am so not interested in guitar player due to the fact that he doesn't care that this girl is multiple shades of crazy. Who wins? Me. I have disentagled myself from this messy triangle and am now free to pursue other cute men (ahem, Irish).

Scary

I've gotten better at weeding out quality guys from the losers with age, but I'm still not there yet. Hopefully I'll take my own advice and start taking time to seriously consider my dating choices. Will you?

Bex and Ben/Boston Boys

Good Will Hunting pretty much ruined me for all men that aren't sarcastic, closed-off, and from Southie. My love affair with Ben Affleck began immediately upon viewing that classic Boston movie and has spanned track suits, messed up teeth, Bennifer and countless "bad" films. (I still maintain that Pearl Harbor was a fabulous epic saga.) To all the haters out there, Ben totally redeemed himself to me (and the rest of the world) by directing "Gone Baby Gone." And by marrying Jennifer Garner, a beautiful and classy lady who I would also wed if I were so inclined. End swoon.

Unfortunately, as My Ben is a celebrity who also happens to be committed for life to the body that launched Sydney Bristow, I am on the constant prowl for a comparable Boston hero. Enter Irish, a new acquaintance who not only sports adorable tweed hats, but is also so freaking cute and (most importantly) hysterically sarcastic. Case in point: I went to a pole dancing class (I know, I know...) as part of the bachelorette festivities for my college roommate, McDime. This hilarity ensued when I told Irish of my few hours as a stripper:

Irish: where did you find a place to strip?
Bex: i stripped in nyc. way more skanky than boston. i'll have to show you some of my moves [the next time i see you.]
Irish: please!!!! that's my job. i got moves. they call me white chocolate that doesn't melt in your mouth.

Oh my god. Am I delusional that I think this kind of humor is the biggest turn on in the world (aside from My Ben's white man 'fro, of course)? Can cute Irish boys from Boston really turn out to be both funny and nice, or are all of them emotionally restricted morons who make up thirteen siblings and only realize they are in love with you too late? (see also: Will & Skylar) Only time will tell... I want the answer to be yes as much as Morgan wants his double burger.

Bex and Marriage: The Luckiest

Despite having had some serious dirt to dish from this weekend, I am going to postpone discussion in order to focus a post around one of my favorite couples in the world.

Something slightly personal about me: My parents didn't have the best marriage (hence, divorcing) so any couple that has a relationship life span of more than 25 years deserves hero worship in my eyes.

Enter Ernie and Shirley Benard, dear family friends and grandparents of one of my oldest bffs, KB. Not only were they married forever, they had one of the most successful joint lives I've ever seen. They owned and operated The Moorings, a bed and breakfast in Falmouth on the Cape for a quarter of a century. Working AND living together -- and still being totally in love? We should all be so lucky.

Last spring, we were all extremely saddened when Shirley passed away from a brief illness. Honestly, Ernie was never the same. I got the sad news this past Friday that Ernie had also died. As my heart goes out to the entire Benard family, I can't help but be inspired by the great love that E & S maintained throughout their marriage. Their shared passions and values are exactly what I'm looking for. Who doesn't want a man that can literally not live without you?

With that, I'm dedicating this song to Ernie & Shirley. May your life with the big guy above be as full of love, dedication, and excitement as your life here on Earth. I'll always remember you here:

The Moorings

Let's Talk About Bex: It's Raining (Not) Men

Bonjour, mes ami[e]s! This blog is my attempt to laugh at myself, vent, learn from and document the extreme insanity that is my (dating) life. We can't all be SJP, running around with pink tutus, Manolos, and balloons, deciding between dating Mr. Big and Aidan. Some of us are taken on awful first dates here, or are dumped directly after purchasing a signed first-edition of someone's favorite book, or are simply meeting too many of these.

I admit it, I have flaws, but I'm searching for someone that tells me this:

And, lucky you, you all get to come along for the ride.