Bex and Tucker Max: I Hope They Serve Beer in Heaven

I am puzzled. More confused than the time that tabloids reported that Britney was taking K-Fed on tour with her, Sean Preston, and Jayden James. (Why, Brit, why???) More perplexed, even, than when Pantene announced they were adding special minerals into my favorite brand of shampoo and these unwelcome additives made my hair feel like straw.

Why is it so hard to figure out what men want? I'm not talking about blonde vs. brunette, short vs. tall, Angelina vs. Jen. Let's face it, most men are on the prowl for a hook-up. And I have no (big) problem with that. But said men should take a page from the Tucker Max game plan and be honest about it. Tucker Max is an asshole, but as I read his book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell for my co-ed book group, I found myself admiring him for acknowledging that he's a douche. He wants ass and he's upfront about it. Girls know what they're getting into.

What I cannot stand are dudes that play the Bambi innocent card by trying to get in your pants by making a mental connection. We've already discussed Guitar. Thank Zeus, I have connections that inform me he is interested only in ass, because last night, I was handed this line:

Guitar: I know I sometimes come across as a goofus, but I can deliberate intellectually with the best of them. I just wanted you to know that. [Emphasis on "you."]
Me (internally): What the fuck? Does this kid honestly think I am going to fall for this line? Why am I falling for this line? I hate Bud Light Lime for making me even remotely mushy over this line. Kill me.
Me (out loud): Did you just use the word goofus?

If you want to sleep with me, I really don't want you telling me that you are interested in the classics and that your favorite book is For Whom the Bell Tolls. Nuggets of information like these make me envision how smart our future children will be and reading together in bed on a Sunday morning -- not, I repeat not, make me think that you only take interest in what is below my belt.

To this end, I'm going fishing for the best way to smell out these offenders. How can you tell when a guy is bullshitting you? Why can't they be more straightforward? Are they really proud after they've slept with a girl who really thinks they are into them, only to sneak out of bed in the middle of the night leaving only chick flicks and Ben & Jerry's as consolation?

Shit, for not understanding their motives, am I this girl?